In Gestalt therapy, we often talk about the “character” or “persona” we build throughout life.
But what does that really mean?
How do we come to develop such particular ways of being, feeling, and acting?
This process has a lot to do with two fundamental forces that live within us from the moment we are born: tenderness and aggressiveness.
Not in their everyday sense, but as essential functions for our self-regulation and survival.
Vital Energy and Its Two Arms: Tenderness and Aggressiveness
We are born with a vital impulse — an innate energy that allows us to feel and act.
When a need arises, the first movement that appears is tenderness — the capacity to internally feel what we need. It’s a gentle awareness, a sensitivity that connects us to ourselves.
Then comes healthy aggressiveness — the natural force that moves us outward, allowing us to act, set boundaries, and meet our needs.
This kind of aggressiveness has nothing to do with violence; it’s the energy of action, the force of life itself.
When these two movements function in harmony — when we feel the need (tenderness) and act to fulfill it (aggressiveness) — the natural cycle of life is completed. We regain balance, pleasure, and the organism’s natural state of calm.
When the Flow Is Interrupted
However, this process can easily become blocked.
From early childhood, many of us learn that feeling or expressing certain emotions isn’t safe.
Maybe there wasn’t space to be vulnerable, or we learned that anger, desire, or sadness weren’t welcome.
When that happens:
- Tenderness gets blocked → we stop feeling what we need.
- Aggressiveness gets blocked → we stop acting to get it.
But the energy doesn’t disappear.
It stays inside, looking for a way out — accumulating as tension, rigidity, or suppressed emotion.
Our body adapts to hold what could not be expressed: in our breath, our muscles, our posture, and even in the way we relate to the world.
How Character Is Formed
Over time, these blockages solidify into fixed structures.
We create a way of being — the “persona” — that once helped us survive, to feel accepted or protected.
But that same persona also distances us from our vitality and authenticity.
The psychiatrist and psychotherapist Wilhelm Reich called this structure the character armor:
an organization of muscular tensions, emotional patterns, and beliefs that becomes automatic.
This armor once served as a defense, but eventually becomes an obstacle to real contact — both with ourselves and with others.
Energetically speaking, tenderness (feeling) and aggressiveness (acting) become disconnected.
The result is a sense of disconnection, low energy, and chronic dissatisfaction.
The Way Back: Feeling, Expressing, Integrating
The good news is that this structure is not permanent.
Through therapeutic work, we can begin to soften the armor and restore the natural flow of energy.
In Gestalt therapy, we integrate body, emotion, and awareness to reconnect with what was once blocked and allow energy to move freely again.
Reclaiming tenderness means reconnecting with our true needs.
Reclaiming healthy aggressiveness means recovering the strength to act, to set boundaries, and to create a life aligned with who we truly are.
To reunite tenderness and aggressiveness is, ultimately, to return to life itself —
to feel deeply, to act freely, and to rediscover the spontaneity and connection that define our essence.
This article was inspired by the book
“Tenderness and Aggressiveness: Character, Bioenergetics and the Enneagram” by Juan José Albert,
whose integrative approach offers a profound understanding of how emotional blockages shape our character — and how, through therapeutic work, we can restore connection with our vital energy.
